How I Escape the Pain of Lost Love

By Xiaoxue

Love is beautiful, but losing it is painful. I trust many people have had this experience. I was also hurt once by love, but what was different for me is that I gained something more valuable by losing it.

Xiaodie was once my girlfriend. She had a softly rounded face, and when she smiled, her eyes curled into adorable semicircles. We ate together, shopped together, laughed together, played together, and quickly, two years passed. One day, I had a dispute with a colleague at work, and he physically attacked me with a knife. He was persuaded to desist by my colleagues before the situation got worse, and I was sent back to the dormitory to rest for the day. Before long, Xiaodie raced through the door and stopped panting in front of me, and when she saw I was unhurt, she let out a long sigh as she “complained” about how I couldn’t take care of myself. I felt that was an especially sweet and happy moment. From that instant, my heart told me that she was the person I wanted to spend my life with, and that I would marry her …

One day, Xiaodie quietly told me she was pregnant. This happy news came suddenly, and aside from my surprise, a sense of responsibility also arose in my heart. I felt that I had to take care of her and the child in her belly. I told my parents the news at the first opportunity. They were delighted, and agreed to allow me to bring Xiaodie home so that we could prepare for the wedding. The wedding discussions would require both my and her parents’ involvement, but Xiaodie still hadn’t had time to tell her parents the news. So, we agreed to wait for her to tell her parents before we would plan the next steps.

After we went back to our apartment, Xiaodie called her parents and told them everything. But on the other end of the line, her mother was displeased and very stubborn. She insisted multiple times that Xiaodie first return home before they would discuss anything else. I felt an ominous worry, as if something bad was about to happen. Even though Xiaodie argued that we should go to see her parents together, her mother was insistent that Xiaodie return home by herself. Xiaodie was frustrated to the point of tears, and I didn’t dare add to her miseries, nor did I want to become a source of conflict between her and her mother, so I suggested that she go home alone and persuade her mother to see reason.

It was nearly Spring Festival. In the cold weather, I went with Xiaodie to the bus that would take her home. After that, we called each other every day. I told her the details of my life every day, and at the same time, I looked forward to her return. But after half a month, the next time I called her to ask when she would come back, she only told me that her parents asked her to spend Spring Festival at home before she left.

But after Spring Festival, she still didn’t come back. One day, after lunch, I dialed Xiaodie’s number as I always did, and when I said I wanted to go see her, she said nervously, “Xue, there’s something I have to tell you. I don’t want you to call me anymore, and I don’t want you to visit me.” The words instantly made my head spin. Stuttering, I said, “I don’t understand. What do you mean by that?” The phone was silent for a long time, and then she sighed and said, “I don’t know how to tell you. My mother doesn’t agree with the two of us being together. A while ago, she took me to have the baby aborted. Also, a relative introduced a man with some money and arranged a date for us. We’ve met and agreed that we should be together. You’re a good man, but we’re not a good match. I would appreciate it if you don’t call me again. My boyfriend would misunderstand if he heard about it, and I don’t want my relationship with you to impact my feelings and life with him.” I collapsed after I heard Xiaodie say those things. I don’t know how I got back to my bedroom. Tears streamed down my face as I looked at the picture of the girlfriend I loved deeply in my phone. Scenes of our happy past raced through my mind. All the oaths and promises we made to each other seemed to have disappeared in an instant. I couldn’t stop asking myself: How could a relationship of three years be broken by a man with some money on a date arranged by relatives? Later on, I found out that Xiaodie’s boyfriend was an only child, that his family owned a house and a car, and were quite wealthy. It turns out that my love was worth less than the temptations of money and material goods.

I couldn’t bear the shock and pain of losing my relationship. I quit my job and spent my days playing games, smoking cigarettes, reading novels, and finding other ways to numb myself. To forget everything, I often got drunk, but when I woke up, I still had to face reality. In the midst of my pain, on my phone, computer, and on the Internet, I saw all kinds of stories of people who had affairs, slept with strangers, divorced and sued their former partners, kept mistresses, and other types of romantic betrayal. Each time, another portion of my faith in life fell away. Why were there so many people who toyed with others’ feelings? I felt that there was absolutely no sincere love in the world, and that even the most enviable love couldn’t withstand a real test. Slowly, I lost hope and faith in my life and future.

Just as I was lost and had lost hope for my life, my mother told me about God’s gospel of kingdom. I read God’s words, “The Almighty has mercy on these people who have suffered deeply; at the same time, He is fed up with these people who lack consciousness, as He has had to wait too long for an answer from humanity. He wishes to seek, to seek your heart and your spirit, to bring you water and food and to awaken you, that you may no longer be thirsty and hungry. When you are weary and when you begin to feel something of the bleak desolation of this world, do not be lost, do not cry. Almighty God, the Watcher, will embrace your arrival at any time. He is keeping watch by your side, waiting for you to turn back around. He is waiting for the day you suddenly recover your memory: when you realize that you came from God, that, at some unknown time you lost your direction, at some unknown time you lost consciousness on the road, and at some unknown time acquired a ‘father’; when you realize, furthermore, that the Almighty has always been keeping watch, waiting there a very, very long time for your return.” God’s words comforted my wounded heart like a warm current. I remembered how, in the days I was mourning my lost relationship, I had become disheartened and tormented. I saw that there is no true or sincere love at all among mankind, and that humanity is selfish and deceitful, which had made me lose confidence in life and in the future. But seeing God’s words that day made me realize that in this world, God had been waiting silently for me to return, and that He hoped I would come back to Him soon. I felt like a wandering child who had finally returned to his mother’s arms after a long absence, and was no longer lonely and helpless.

After that, through experiencing church life and continually reading God’s word, and trying to confide my inner pain to God through prayer, I slowly began to feel less suffering and tiredness. One day, I saw these words of God, “Adam and Eve created by God in the beginning were holy people, which is to say, whilst in the Garden of Eden they were holy, untainted with filth. They were also faithful to Jehovah, and knew nothing of the betrayal of Jehovah. This is because they were without the disturbance of the influence of Satan, were without Satan’s poison, and were the purest of all mankind. They lived in the Garden of Eden, undefiled by any filth, unpossessed by the flesh, and in reverence of Jehovah. Later, when they were tempted by Satan, they had the poison of the serpent, and the desire to betray Jehovah, and they lived under the influence of Satan. In the beginning, they were holy and they revered Jehovah; only in this state were they human. Later on, after they were tempted by Satan, they ate the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, and lived under the influence of Satan. They were gradually corrupted by Satan, and lost the original image of man.” I also read a passage of Sermons and Fellowship on Entry Into Life, “Presently, everybody’s interpersonal relationships are abnormal. The main reason for this is that people have been corrupted by Satan very deeply and their integrity is extremely flawed. Men seek nothing but profit and try to benefit at other people’s expense in everything that they do. They are guided by their own individual intentions and goals in all matters. People live for themselves and for their flesh. They are absolutely not concerned at all about others and they do not even have the loving emotions that they should possess. … The conscience and rationality that man should possess has vanished from the face of the earth. There is no spirit of cooperation amongst mankind.”

After reading God’s word, as well as fellowship and sermons, I felt as though the clouds were parting in my heart. In the beginning, when God created Adam and Eve, they were holy. They obeyed God’s word and worshiped God, they were not contaminated with filth or corrupted, nor did they have any satanic thoughts and notions. But, after mankind was corrupted by Satan, we were filled with corruption, evil, greed, despicableness, crookedness, deceit, love of adoration and glory, and many other things. We bore no likeness to when we were first created by God. In today’s society, popular satanic ideas like “money is above all else” and “no love without bread can last forever” have rotted our hearts, and in turn perverted our views on survival and other matters. People put interests above all in their associations with others. There is no true love at all. Although everyone yearns for sincere love, love is seen as nothing before money and interests. Many people can’t stand the fact and slide into decadence or even commit suicide. I thought about my own love affair, and how our vows, sweet words, and even our future child were wiped away in the face of money and interests. After my girlfriend betrayed me, I found no release, so quit my job and used reading novels and drinking alcohol to numb myself, but these didn’t resolve the pain in my heart. Today, through reading God’s word, I have gained some understanding. I know that all of my pain was caused by the evil trends of Satan. After I realized this, my heart finally found true release.

Afterward, I read the following passage of God’s words, “One encounters many people in one’s life, but no one knows who will become one’s partner in marriage. Though everyone has their own ideas and personal stances on the subject of marriage, no one can foresee who will truly, finally become their other half, and one’s own ideas on the matter count for little. After meeting someone you like, you can pursue that person; but whether they are interested in you, whether they are able to become your partner—that is not yours to decide. The object of your affections is not necessarily the person with whom you will be able to share your life; and meanwhile, someone you never expected may quietly enter your life and become your partner, the most important element in your fate, your other half, to whom your fate is inextricably bound.

Through God’s word, I learned that marriage isn’t something we can control by ourselves, but that it is determined by what the Creator has preordained and arranged. The people we like may not necessarily become our partner, just as I experienced in my relationship. I originally thought Xiaodie would be my life partner, but because our views on love were different—she wanted a love that included “bread,” while I was focused on sincere love between two people—even if we had stayed together, we wouldn’t have been happy. When we consider the variety of marriages that exist today, some are happily together until old age, while others are constantly breaking up and reuniting, we can see that marriage isn’t something we can control by ourselves. When I realized this, my heart felt light, and I knew I would no longer descend into decadence because of my lost relationship. I knew that God had suitable plans for my future partner and how my marriage would be, and I was willing to learn to wait.

Once I understood these things, and was willing to obey God’s plans and arrangements, without even realizing it, I no longer felt confused, disheartened, or disappointed as I had in the past, and I stopped using reading novels, smoking, and drinking to numb myself and living decadently. In the days that followed, I went to meetings and fellowshiped on God’s word with my brothers and sisters, and as I understood more of the truth, I found paths in God’s word to resolve the problems and difficulties in my life, and I was filled with hope for the future. In the past, I had put love above all else, but in the end, my beautiful dream was shattered by cruel reality, and it was God’s word that guided me out of my pain. Today, I hope to pursue the truth, walk the correct path in life, strive to fulfill my duties as a created being, and repay God’s love!