By Qian Yu
Not knowing how much time had passed by, I opened my eyes and found myself lying in a hospital bed. My husband was walking back and forth along the ward without any sympathy on his face. When he saw that I’d woken up, his first words were, “If you want to kill yourself, do it in your mother’s home so that your family doesn’t think that I murdered you.” Hearing his words, my heart went thoroughly numb. My husband had betrayed me, but I couldn’t even win him back by trying to sacrifice my own life for him. Was this the husband who had once promised to live and die together with me? Thinking of all this, my mind became a whirlwind of thought …
Conjugal Affection Gave Me Great Happiness
Since I was a child, I have always been envious of the characters in the movies who find ever-faithful love. I used to think: “After I grow up, I must also find a love of my own.” By chance, I met the ideal partner and we fell in love at first sight. As I had wished, I’d finally found my true love. My husband was very thoughtful, and we went everywhere together. Wherever we went, everyone would look at us enviously and commend us for being a perfect match and being made for each other. At that time, I felt that I was the happiest woman in the world.
In those years, his love for me was constant and never changed. When I got the snuffles and had a slight cough, he would travel a long way to buy the best medicine for me even if it was the middle of the night. When I was unhappy, he would rack his brains to make me happy. On top of that, no matter how busy he was at work, he would hurry home even if it was midnight, because he knew that if he didn’t come back I would worry about him. So we never parted during those years.
I still remember one evening when he asked his friend to drive me to his work place. We had a serious accident on the way, and when I woke up I was lying in a hospital bed. I saw that he was holding my hand with anxiety on his face and tears in his eyes. He said: “Finally you’ve woken up. I was worried sick about you. You should have seen how I drove down the mountain. I just wanted to see what had happened to you as soon as possible. If you die, I wouldn’t be willing to live anymore.” I knew that the mine where he worked was in the mountains and was over ten kilometers away from the place where I’d had the car accident. The mountain road was tortuous. Besides, he had just learned to drive and wasn’t that skillful. I could feel how anxious he was then. A person’s true heart can only be revealed at such crucial times of life and death. He was even willing to put his own life aside for me, which moved me very much. So I promised myself that I would give all my love to him and we also swore to die on the same day and be loyal to each other forever. From then on, I put painstaking efforts into making him happy and I also gave up my high-paid job. I wanted to cook delicious food for him, so I searched for information online and bought cook books to cook different types of food. When he was tired after work, I would give him a massage or pedicure to alleviate his stress.
Facing My Husband’s Betrayal, I Attempted Suicide to Rid Myself of My Suffering
Over ten years passed, but somewhere along the line I started to notice that he was less willing to come back home at nights. He had all kinds of reasons—for example, he was busy and was under pressure at work, or he needed to work overtime. Even when he came back home, he didn’t talk to me about anything but only watched TV or fell asleep. There was none of the former joy and laughter, and even when I got ill, he was indifferent to me. At that time, I thought he had emotional fatigue and would eventually get back to normal. However, he got farther and farther away from me. On countless nights, I wondered where he was. I wondered whether he would be corrupted by bad colleagues, or whether he would follow the male tendency to indulge in whoring: The chief of the mine and some other bosses often invited him and his colleagues (on the inspection team) out for dinner which often involved “the full service” (eating, sauna, and whoring). Whenever I couldn’t get through to him on the phone, I felt greatly tortured in my heart, and I usually couldn’t fall asleep those nights.
One night, when looking at my sleeping husband by my side, I suddenly heard two weak chimes from his cellphone. Who would call him in the dead of night? I took his phone and saw a message, which said: “Honey, I’m quietly waiting for your coming in our lovely house.” These words were like thunder from a clear sky to me, and my mind instantly went blank. Unbelievable! He had another home outside! My heart was broken. Like a crazy woman, I beat him awake, but he just said nonchalantly: “Those things online are nothing, it’s just a joke. Many people are like this. Don’t take it seriously.” Later, after I kept questioning him, he admitted that he’d had a one-night stand. But I knew things were not so simple. I was really going to pieces, feeling as if the world was coming to an end. I couldn’t help thinking back to scenes of our life together all these years. He said that I was the only one he would love and that we would be buried together after we died. How could he betray me? In these years, I had given all my affections to him and he was my life. How could he treat me like this? The more I thought about it, the more I hated him. Then I even thought: “Didn’t you say that you were willing to die on the same day as me? As you said, let’s die together, then. I can’t let you have another woman in your arms, nor can I let you have fun in her arms. Since you don’t belong to me, let’s die together.” So I wanted to put sleeping pills in his tea and wait until he drank it and died and then I’d commit suicide. That way we would die together in this house. But I couldn’t go through with it. But I was so angry that I lay on the bed refusing meals for several days; I felt I really was dying. I couldn’t bear such pain, and I also had no courage to live on. Where on earth was true love? It was so tiring to live!
In thorough desperation, I thought to end my own life. So I went to a drug shop and bought a bottle of sleeping pills. Walking down the street, I saw there were many people coming and going. It seemed that they were all very happy except me—there was no place for me. Being so tired of this world I only wanted to end my pain as soon as I could, so I took the pills on the street. Then I took a taxi to go home, but it didn’t go far before I was unconscious. …
When I came back to reality, I realized I was in hospital and that it was the driver who sent me there. I’d wanted to die but had failed. I was still alive. Thinking of this, tears misted my eyes. As it turned out, I had been almost worthless in my husband’s eyes, but I’d still wanted to end my life for him. I was really foolish. Hence, after I got out of hospital, without hesitation I ended our dozen or so years of so-called faithful-to-death marriage, and broke up with him thoroughly.
During My Pain and Desperation, God’s Words Gave Me Light
After returning to my parents’ home, in tears I poured out all my pain to them. My father said: “My daughter, our lives are held in God’s hands. It was God who protected you and saved your life. God’s good will was involved here. In the past, I advised you to believe in God, but you always said that you had no time. Now, only if you come before God can you cast off this pain. But I understand only a few truths, so tomorrow I’ll invite some sisters in The Church to have a proper fellowship with you.”
The next day, the two sisters came. Through their fellowships, I understood many of life’s mysteries in God’s words, and I also came to know that it was God who created mankind. To save us, He has personally become flesh and come to earth. God loves us mankind the most, and only God is our rock. From the words of God and the sisters’ fellowship, I felt the love from God and God’s good intention to save mankind. I further understood that since a person is alive, he or she should believe in God, because it’s too painful and tiring to live under Satan’s domain. Then a sister found a hymn of God’s words “Only God Loves Man Most” for me. I heard: “God doesn’t want any soul to be lost. Man doesn’t care what his future will be. Man doesn’t know how to cherish his own life. But God does. Oh, yes, He does. Only God loves man. Yes, only God loves man. Oh, yes, He does. He loves man so. He loves man so.”
I listened and cried. The hymn of God’s words warmed my heart, and I felt moved very much. That’s right! Only God is responsible for our lives and only God really loves us, mankind. I thought of my husband, who’d promised to live and die together with me. But actually he was able to betray me at any time. Even when he saw that I attempted suicide because of his betrayal, he didn’t show any tenderness toward me nor had any feelings of guilt. He even said cruel things like, “If you are going to die, do it in your mother’s home.” Before, I thought that since my husband could risk his life for me, then he loved me most. But that day I had an awakening: His so-called love was just false, and it was so weak and pale in comparison to his desires and personal interests. After I learned that my husband had betrayed me, I lay on my bed without eating or drinking for several days, losing all my courage to live on. I even attempted suicide to rid myself of suffering and almost paid with my life. I did not take responsibility for my own life at all, nor did I love myself in the slightest. But God always showed mercy and care for me: When I attempted suicide, God arranged for the driver to send me to the hospital in time to save me; when I was in pain and desperation, God comforted me with His words. God’s love warmed me and gave me the hope to live on. I recalled that in the past when my father spread the gospel to me and asked me to believe in God, I refused under the pretext of being busy. But God didn’t abandon me because of my rebelliousness. He still always waited for me by my side and secretly protected and cared for me. At the time, I deeply realized that in this world, only God really cherishes my life, only God shows real concern and care for me, and only God’s love for me is the truest, purest and most beautiful. I kept listening to this hymn of God’s words for a whole day. The more I listened, the more my heart brightened. Then I made up my mind: I must believe in God well. So, in the following two months I read many words of God and the sisters also often fellowshiped with me. Gradually, I felt less miserable and there was vitality in my life again.
Seeing Clearly the Truth of My Husband’s Betrayal, I Put Aside the Hatred in My Heart
Later, I saw God’s words say: “It is becoming more and more like a world of gaiety and splendor; people’s hearts are all drawn to it, and many people are entrapped and unable to extricate themselves from it; great numbers will be beguiled by those who engage in trickery and sorcery.” “Born into such a filthy land, man has been severely blighted by society, he has been influenced by feudal ethics, and he has been taught at ‘institutes of higher learning.’ The backward thinking, corrupt morality, mean view on life, despicable philosophy for living, utterly worthless existence, and depraved lifestyle and customs—all of these things have severely intruded upon man’s heart, and severely undermined and attacked his conscience. As a result, man is ever more distant from God, and ever more opposed to Him. Man’s disposition becomes more vicious by the day, and there is not a single person who will willingly give up anything for God, not a single person who will willingly obey God, nor, moreover, a single person who will willingly seek the appearance of God. Instead, under the domain of Satan, man does nothing but pursue pleasure, giving himself over to the corruption of the flesh in the land of mud.”
God’s words made me understand that the root cause of my husband’s betrayal was due to Satan’s corruption. Satan creates all kinds of social trends and makes people regard its evil viewpoints as truths through dictums such as “Have a wife and mistresses too,” “one-night stand,” etc. It also makes people mistakenly think that having many lovers proves a man’s virility. In an instant, “mistress” and “lover” became bywords for trendiness and men now think it’s glorious to have mistresses or lovers. Like this, the whole of mankind was corrupted by Satan to the point of being devoid of conscience and distorted in humanity. They all live selfishly and even violate accepted morality and break up each others’ families for the purpose of pursuing pleasure and indulging in their desires of the flesh. So many families are broken and scattered; so many people are hurt, and some even hang themselves because they can’t bear the blows. All this pain is caused by Satan. I thought how in the past, my husband was a family-centered person. But since “the full service” became available to him he often didn’t come back home, but indulged in debauchery outside instead. In the end, he followed the trend and started to have one-night stands, becoming thoroughly rotten in the process. In fact, my husband was also a victim of Satan’s corruption. I then thought: “Wasn’t I also influenced by evil ideas in the way that I began to place love above all else? I believed that the two people in a marriage must be faithful to each other. So when I learned my husband had betrayed me, I maliciously wanted him to die together with me because I couldn’t get him and didn’t want others to get him. Wasn’t I also so corrupted by Satan that I had no humanity?” Now I understood: It’s Satan that corrupts us to this extent, so that in marriage there is no true love, no understanding or tolerance but only selfish love, only indulgence in desires of the flesh. Thinking of this, I suddenly didn’t hate my husband anymore, nor did I feel pain because of his betrayal but could deal with it calmly. God’s words dissolved my hatred toward my husband and thoroughly liberated me. If I hadn’t come before God, I would have never seen to the root cause of these problems and would have still lived in hatred and pain. I really thank God for His salvation of me.
From then on, I went to meetings, read God’s words, and sang hymns to praise God with the brothers and sisters every day, feeling great enjoyment in my heart. Each day was abundant and happy. The sorrow in my face also disappeared. Now I can live in God’s care and protection and live a happy life; this has all been given by God. All the glory be to God!