By Shiji
I Devoted Myself to Gaining a Happy Marriage
I liked reading romance novels from my youth. I was often attracted by the stories advocating “Love is above all,” and would break down tears when reading passionate and moving plots. Influenced by them, I gradually admired the “sincere” love described in those novels, yearned for a happy marriage, and looked forward to meeting a partner in the future who could vow to stick together in life and death with me.
Afterward, in the face of opposition from my parents, I decidedly fell in love with a junior high school classmate and got married. After marriage, we worked as citizen-managed teachers in the same school. We went on and came off duty together every day. In our leisure time, we often told jokes and played checkers. Sometimes, I sang and he accompanied me on the Chinese fiddle. We companied and cooperated with each other well, which allowed me to be absorbed in happiness frequently that I had never felt. Two years later, our first lovely son was born and his coming brought us endless laughter. I thought I was the happiest woman in the world.
In 1977, the college entrance examination which we had longed for 10 years resumed. My husband’s entrance into a normal college moved me to tears. I was proud of him. However, after the excitement, his school fees became my problem. At that time, my family was poor and our shabby house was rented. My monthly allowance was only 5 yuan, while my wages in a year were only 50 to 60 yuan, which was not enough to feed us, let alone cover his school fees. Nevertheless, in order to have a happier life, I must have him go to school regardless of how hard our life would be. With such thoughts, I began to borrow money here and there, and early school fees were scraped up at last. And next I would face paying debts and later school fees. But actually, I was unable to make it by my small income. I had no choice but to borrow money again to raise pigs. Because of my family’s poor condition, I had nothing to feed pigs and so every day I had to go to mountains in early morning to mow pigweed, or I could travel over thirty-one miles to my parents’ home and ask my father, who worked in a grain depot, for a sack of leftover. In this way, during my husband’s college years, each year I would kill a pig more than one hundred catties, and sell half of it to pay the tuition fees. Besides, I had to work the land. But our farm was far away from home and located on the upslope. I could only use straw and wood ashes as fertilizer. When there were worms on the grain, I had no way of carrying water there to spray pesticide, so I had to kill the worms in the hot sun every noon so as to have a good harvest and get more money to pay my husband’s school fees. Once, when I put the school fees into his hands, he said gratefully, “I spent all of your hard-earned money. I owe you too much …” I said to him, “Don’t think too much. Just focus on your study. I’m willing to do everything for you, however difficult it is.” My words put a lump in his throat and he promised that he would treat me well and never betray me in the future. During that period, our hearts were more closely knit together.
Two years had passed quickly. My husband graduated and stayed at his school as a colleague teacher. Meanwhile I paid off all the debts. Two years later, I was converted to a regular teacher and was translated to the city where he worked. His bad health caused him to be in hospital once or twice a year and he needed to take medicine all year round. In order to take care of him, I cooked appetizing food; I wrote notes and stuck them on the head of bed to remind him lest he forget to take medicine; I even brought a basin of water in front of him so that he could bathe his feet. I was confident that our marriage was steady and could stand the exposure to wind and rain because we had been through a lot and shared so many joys and sorrows together.
The Cruel Reality Left Me a Wound That Was Hard to Close
Just when I drowned myself in happiness, he asked me for a divorce suddenly. Hearing that, I felt as if I was struck by thunderbolts. My blood was surging to my head, and I couldn’t tell how I felt. Where is he who once respected and nourished me? How come he ceases to be faithful in only a few years, and wants to betray our marriage? I couldn’t accept this fact anyway. I felt wronged and recalled that in the beginning, I ignored my parents’ objections and married him; when we had no money to support his schooling, I endured all the sufferings and hardships to pay the tuition fees; when he was ill, I took great care of his living and even brought the water before him for him to wash feet … Over these years, I had sacrificed a lot for the marriage, yet he wanted to divorce me. I felt very miserable.
Later, I got to know he had an affair. I reprimanded him, “You get a cheek! You have no consciences at all!” But he said shamelessly, “In this society, ‘being poor seems to be more shameful than being a prostitute,’ and ‘Man would be willing to die happily if he has one-night romance with a gorgeous woman.’ Who cares about conscience? How much is it?” At that time, I felt pain, as if someone dropped my heart on the floor and was trampling it. I began to hate his ruthlessness, and even more hated his lover. Had it not been for her, these matters would never have happened. All of my sufferings are brought by her. The more I thought, the more I hated her. I was so anxious that I wanted to kill her who broke our happy family, but I couldn’t do that. I could only shed tears in secret. Afterward, under his constant pressing, I lost the courage to live on. In a moment of anger, I took a handful of sleeping pills, hoping my death could awake his conscience. However, I was rescued from coma. I had originally thought that this matter would touch his heart, but something unimaginable happened to me. During the time I was given transfusion in the hospital hall, he never came to see me. Faced with his apathy, I felt utterly despondent, shedding tears every day. I paid all the price for him, and took care of the family with heart and soul. I thought he would see my efforts and took them into heart, and that he would be loyal to me at all times and live together with me till the hair turned grey. Unexpectedly, we just enjoyed several good years, and he became a ruthless man devoid of conscience. At that period, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and felt desperate … Half a year later, I was divorced from him helplessly.
After the divorce, I lived with my 4-year-old younger son. At that time, because I just divorced and had nobody to rely on, everybody picked on me. In my unit, the headmaster bullied me; when I paid bribes to change my job, the director took the opportunity to take liberties with me. These things made me feel sad and dismal. The indifference of society, hardships of life, mental depression and feeling of excessive inferiority made me fall into a decline and feel dreary all day long. I couldn’t get out of the shadow of my failed marriage, which was like a brand on my heart.
God’s Word Healed My Wound
Just when I felt hopeless for my life, God’s salvation in the last days came upon me. I remembered that day was particularly sunny, and the sky was clear and blue. A student’s parent spread the gospel to me. I saw God’s word saying, “Humanity, having strayed from the Almighty’s provision of life, is ignorant of the purpose of existence, but fears death nonetheless. They are without help or support, yet still reluctant to close their eyes, and they steel themselves to drag out an ignoble existence in this world, sacks of flesh with no sense of their own souls. You live in this way, without hope, as do others, without aim. Only the Holy One of legend will save the people who, moaning in the midst of their suffering, long desperately for His arrival. So far, such belief has not been realized in those who lack consciousness. Nevertheless, the people still yearn for it so. The Almighty has mercy on these people who have suffered deeply; at the same time, He is fed up with these people who lack consciousness, as He has had to wait too long for an answer from humanity. He wishes to seek, to seek your heart and your spirit, to bring you water and food and to awaken you, that you may no longer be thirsty and hungry. When you are weary and when you begin to feel something of the bleak desolation of this world, do not be lost, do not cry. Almighty God, the Watcher, will embrace your arrival at any time.”
At that moment, I had a lump in my throat and felt God was consoling me like a loving mother. This spiritual comfort was what I had longed for a long time. God’s word like a warm feeling warmed my frozen heart. It turned out that the Creator has been protecting me and accompanying me. I, just like a lost and injured sheep, finally found home. My lonely and solitary heart was comforted at once and I also had courage to live on. Although my marriage and family all broke up, I didn’t feel lonely, because Almighty God is my true reliance. I felt steadfast and peaceful in my heart.
The Failed Marriage Is Due to the Evil Trends of Society
In the days that followed, I always had meetings with my brothers and sisters, fellowshiping God’s words, singing hymns, dancing in God’s praise. Gradually, my pent emotion was released a lot, and the hatred of my husband and his lover was relieved. Sometimes when this matter occurred to me, I would feel a dull pain, but God’s word was gradually healing my wounds.
Later, I saw God’s word saying, “When a new trend sweeps through the world, perhaps only a small number of people are on the cutting edge, acting as the trendsetters. They start off doing some new thing, then accepting some kind of idea or some kind of perspective. The majority of people, however, will be continually infected, assimilated, and attracted by this kind of trend in a state of unawareness, until they all unknowingly and involuntarily accept it and become submerged in it and controlled by it. One after another, such trends cause people, who are not of sound body and mind, do not know what the truth is, and cannot differentiate between positive and negative things, to happily accept them as well as the life views and values that come from Satan. They accept what Satan tells them about how to approach life and the way to live that Satan ‘bestows’ on them, and they have neither the strength nor the ability, much less the awareness, to resist.”
This passage of God’s word told us: We mankind don’t have discernment of all kinds of evil trends of society, so we are deceived by Satan’s thoughts and viewpoints and can’t control ourselves. Even when we do things against ethics, we do not feel shame. Just like the words that my husband said when he wanted to divorce me, “In this society, being poor seems to be more shameful than being a prostitute,” it was exactly the evil thoughts that Satan implants in people. Hit by the evil tends fiercely, my husband was affected and went with the crowd. In the beginning, he could keep his place and work hard for our better life. However, several years later, influenced by the evil trends such as “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” and “The Red Flag does not fall at home, yet colorful flags flutter outside,” he betrayed our marriage. He put responsibility and loyalty at the back of his mind and became a ruthless, unfaithful man. Is this not the result of Satan’s corruption? Today, I understood from God’s words: We mankind actually are all victims. Under the influence of Satan’s evil thoughts and viewpoints, our thoughts are twisted, and thus we lose our dignity and integrity and do not know what negative things are or what positive things are, much less have the ability or the awareness to resist. We can do nothing but accept Satan’s way of living willingly. As a result, what we get are all pains. Since my husband and I divorced, he and that woman busted up after a short time. They married for the purpose of satisfying their respective needs and using each other, so there were no sincerity or true affection between them, and at last his second marriage ended in tragedy.
I Am Willing to Follow God to the End to Repay the Grace of His Salvation
Later on, I saw God’s word saying, “Whenever Satan corrupts man or inflicts unbridled harm upon man, God does not stand idly by, and neither does He brush aside or turn a blind eye to those He has chosen. God understands with perfect clarity all that Satan does. No matter what Satan does, no matter what trend it causes to arise, God knows all that Satan is trying to do, and God does not give up on those He has chosen. Instead, without attracting any attention—secretly, silently—God does everything that is necessary.” “He does many things for man and at great cost; man perceives nothing of these things or of the cost, yet in practice all that He does is truly carried out on every single person.” “So what exactly does God give to man? Does He only give you a little care, concern and consideration without your being aware of it? What has God given to man? God has given life to man, given man everything, and bestows all this on man unconditionally without demanding anything, without any ulterior motive. He uses the truth, His words, and His life to lead and guide man, bringing man away from the harm of Satan, away from Satan’s temptations and inducements, allowing man to see clearly through Satan’s evil nature and hideous face.”
These God’s words moved me to tears again. I understood: God clearly knows the evil trends that Satan raises to corrupt and harm mankind and He even more knows how vicious the way that Satan harms mankind is as well as our weakness. In order to keep us from Satan’s affliction and enable us to gain discernment of its enticements and temptations, God has worked upon us lots of work silently. Looking back, had it not been for God’s salvation coming upon me in time, I would possibly have got depression and become a madwoman. It was God’s word that led me to see through the root of my failed marriage and let go of the hatred of my husband. Although my family had been broken, I gained the most precious path of life in the world—the truth. I also understood from God’s word that only when we live by the truth can we gain real peace, joy, freedom and release. Nothing is more valuable and precious than gaining the provision of the truth, and I am enjoying it now. At this moment, I deeply experienced God’s true love. I will follow Almighty God and fulfill my duty properly to repay His grace of salvation for me.