By Liu Xiao, China
I was born into an ordinary family in the 1960s and led an especially hard life. Since a young age, my mother told me, “When you grow up, you must find a decent husband who is rich, and has some skills and a house. This way you’ll live a good life and you won’t suffer from poverty like us.” I kept my mother’s words in mind. I had my wish granted when I married my husband: He was skilled, possessed a house and didn’t have any debts. This really made us better off in the 1980s. I believed that the reason why I could have such a good marriage was because I was able to find a good husband. After my daughter was born, I intended to set the standards for her future marriage, so as not to let her endure hardship.
In the blink of an eye, my daughter grew up and got into university. I was worried that if she found a partner at university whose family had neither money nor a house, she would go through a lifetime of suffering. So, every time she came back home, I would exhort her, “Although you’ve grown up, you still can’t grasp many things. You don’t have much experience, so you mustn’t fall in love at university. You can look for a partner after graduating from university, and must let me check on him for you. If you don’t listen to me, you’ll meet hardship and suffering. When I married your dad, he had a house and didn’t have any debts, so I didn’t suffer many hardships. In the future, I’ll help you find a partner who has real ability, so that you can be rich and happy, and then I’ll stop worrying.”
But grown-up daughters never listen to their mothers, do they? Though I often nagged her about this, she still secretly found a boyfriend at university. Because she was afraid that I would disagree, it was not until the year of her graduation that she told me. The moment I heard about it, I asked nervously, “How do you feel about him?” She smiled and said, “He has a good character and often helps me with my studies. We get along well with each other. I know you’d prefer someone who is tall, but he is a little short, so I dared not tell you.”
I saw that my daughter looked favorably upon the boy. His height was definitely a problem, but the thing I was most interested in was whether his family was well off. So I hurried to ask, “Does his family have money? If you marry him, will his parents buy a house for you?” My daughter said unhappily, “I don’t know. His elder sister and he are at university and their tuition was paid for through a loan.” Hearing this, I said in an anxious voice, “They took out loans to pay their tuition? Was this because his family has no money? If so, are they able to afford a house? You bring him to our home soon so I can ask him whether he can afford a house. If he can’t, I won’t agree to let you marry him and suffer hardships. If he fails to reach my requirements, I need to inform him as soon as possible and you two can forget about getting married!”
My daughter finally brought her boyfriend back home in the winter vacation. Although less than 1.7 meters in height, he was neither too stout nor too thin, and looked quite kind and talked politely, and what’s more, he spoke truthfully and wasn’t insolent. My first impressions of him were comparatively good. It was just that I didn’t know what the financial situation of his family was.
That day, I made a sumptuous meal on his behalf. During the meal, when we were making small talk, I quickly brought up the things I wanted to know, saying, “I heard from Xiaomin that your elder sister’s and your tuition was paid for by loan.” He said, “Yes. My family finances aren’t that good. My parents ate and dressed simply to send us to university, suffering greatly for the sake of our future. My elder sister and I also had it hard in our childhood.” Hearing that he lived in a poor household, I thought: “How could I let my daughter marry you?” Consequently, I quickly voiced the thoughts in my mind, “Yes, everything we parents do is for our children’s own good. We are completely willing to save on food and expenses, no matter how painful or exhausting it is, hoping that our children can get into university and have a bright future. We also want Xiaomin to marry someone whose financial situation is better than ours, and see her live a good life. Nowadays, the standard requirements for marriage are that the man must have a car and a house and must give some jewelry to the woman he is to marry. We only ask for a house, nothing else. At the very least, you’ll then have a settled residence in the future. Your tuition was paid by loan, so can your family afford a house when you get married? If not, we won’t let Xiaomin marry you and have a hard time in your home.” I thought that he would feel bashful and give up on my daughter after hearing my demands. So I’d never have imagined that not only didn’t he crumple, but he said confidently, “Please don’t worry! I’ll work hard to earn money to buy a house.” After hearing this, I didn’t say anything, yet, in my mind, I thought: “Saying this with such certainty now is of no use. If you can afford a house, then I’ll give my daughter to you. If you cannot, you won’t get her.”
After the boy left, my daughter said, smilingly, “Mom, compared with him, I’m really a blessed child.” I said, “Yes! It’s because you’ve never endured suffering that I won’t agree to let you marry him and suffer hardships. Do you think his family can afford a house?” My daughter replied firmly, “My wanting to marry him isn’t because of a house, but because he is a good man.” It seemed like she was insisting upon marrying the boy so I became even angrier. But I suppressed my anger and said to her, “Regardless of what you say, I won’t consent to this marriage if he cannot afford a house. I’m doing this for your own good, in order not to see you suffer in the future. Why don’t you show any consideration for my motherly devotion?” In the face of my telling-off, she just responded with silence. No matter how I tried to persuade her she showed no inclination to give up on him.
Seeing that she was firm about it, I thought: “It seems that I’ll have to be heartless. I would rather let you complain to me for a while than let you marry a boy who doesn’t have a house.” Then I said to her seriously, “No! I absolutely don’t consent to this marriage. If you don’t listen to me, I won’t make the arrangements for your wedding nor give you anything. You just go with him and never come back. We won’t treat you as our daughter any more!” I never thought that it would come to this point. But not only was she not convinced, but she said even more firmly, “Mom, I will listen to you in everything except my marriage. No matter how his family finances are, I’ll marry him. Regardless of whether we are rich or poor in the future, I won’t complain to you.” After hearing her words, I became like a leaky balloon, completely losing all my huff and puff. Anxious and angry, I didn’t know what to do for the best.
Just when I was worried about my daughter’s marriage and didn’t know what to do, I suddenly remembered that during a church gathering, a sister fellowshiped that no matter what problems we met in real life we should pray to God because God can solve our all difficulties. At the thought of this, I felt I’d found a source of support, so I quickly knelt before God to pray to Him, “Dear God. Regarding this, I have no idea what I should do. May You enlighten and guide me and show me how to deal with this matter. God, marriage is one of the most important things in life and should be decided by the parents. But no matter what I say, my daughter never listens to me. She insists on marrying that boy. May You help me know what I should do.”
After the prayer, I opened a book of God’s words and found the following statements, “Marriage is an important juncture in a person’s life. It is the product of a person’s fate and a crucial link in one’s fate; it is not founded on any person’s individual volition or preferences, and is not influenced by any external factors, but completely determined by the fates of the two parties, by the Creator’s arrangements and predeterminations for the fates of both members of the couple.” “A marriage is not the product of both members’ families, the circumstances in which they grew up, their appearances, their ages, their qualities, their talents, or any other factors; rather, it arises from a shared mission and a related fate. This is the origin of marriage, a product of human fate orchestrated and arranged by the Creator.”
After reading God’s words, I finally understood: It turns out that everyone’s marriage is controlled and predestined by God, and is arranged according to the shared mission of the couple. This can’t be changed because of their personal ideas and choices, much less be influenced by their parents’ wishes. This is precisely the “fate” that people often talk about. It’s not us, her parents, who have the final say over what kind of partner my daughter will find, and the appearance, height, abilities and family finances of any potential boyfriend are also not for us parents to set limits about. As parents, we can give children some advice and positive guidance on choosing a partner, but the final outcome is determined by God. I always wanted to rely on myself to control and arrange my daughter’s marriage. I really overestimated my abilities and brought trouble on myself. In the past, I didn’t know that everyone’s marriage is arranged by God, and often thought that I had much experience, knew a lot about life and considered things more thoughtfully than my child, so I had the right to control my daughter’s marriage. Therefore, when her boyfriend said he couldn’t afford a house, which wasn’t in line with my wishes, I then refused to consent to the marriage. After failing to persuade my daughter to change her mind, I even threatened her with severing our relationship, causing much emotional pain to the two of us. Carefully pondering God’s words on that day, I finally realized that my views were wrong. Everyone’s marriage is controlled and predestined by God rather than being arranged by any human being.
I was grateful for God’s enlightenment and guidance. Having understood this, I felt very relieved and didn’t feel so much pain. The following days, I prayed to God many times and entrusted Him with my daughter’s marriage. I didn’t know whether this boy was my daughter’s other half as predestined by God. If he was my daughter’s partner, as predestined and arranged by God, I was willing to obey. If he wasn’t, they would eventually break up. So I just let nature take its course. Gradually, I was able to put aside the whole business of my daughter’s marriage, and not interfere too aggressively.
One day in November of 2014, I received a call from my daughter. She said her boyfriend’s parents would come to our home to discuss the marriage and fix the wedding day with us. Hearing this, I realized that they were definitely getting married. It seemed that the boy really was to be my daughter’s future husband, as arranged by God. So I calmly accepted it. Very soon after, we met and fixed the date for the wedding with the boy’s parents. But they never spoke of buying a house, so I still couldn’t help but have some misgivings in my heart, and worried that my daughter would endure hardships after getting married. After we saw the boy’s parents out, I tossed and turned all night, unable to fall asleep. I thought: “If his parents can buy a house, after getting married my daughter just needs to earn money to cover daily expenses. Without a house, she will have to make money to buy one and that will be hard for her.” At the thought of this, all the pain and torment surfaced again. So I came before God and prayed again, “God, I’m satisfied with my daughter’s marriage in every respect except that they won’t have a house. This is giving me pain and confusion again. Please God, may You enlighten and guide me to the right path to walk.”
After praying, I saw God’s words saying, “Why do you not entrust them into My hands? Do you not have sufficient faith in Me? Or is it that you are afraid I will make inappropriate arrangements for you? Why do you always worry about the family of your flesh? You always pine for your loved ones! Do I have a certain place in your heart?” God’s words made me see how little my faith in God was. I just understood theoretically that God is presiding over everyone’s fate. I paid lip service to the idea that I was willing to obey God’s sovereignty in my daughter’s marriage, while in reality I still had my own requirements. When I realized that they really wouldn’t buy a house, I still had some worries, thinking that without a house my daughter wouldn’t live a happy life in the future. I saw that my faith and obedience toward God were nothing but talk. God’s words also comforted my anxious heart. Yes, why did I not place my daughter’s marriage entirely in God’s hands? Why did I bring trouble on myself? Since I believed in the dominion of God, I should let God reign as King within my heart and believe what God arranges for us is the best. Indeed, the marriage I imagined for them might not even be a happy one.
Then I thought of some of the women around me. Many of them led wealthy lives but ultimately divorced because their husbands had affairs. Although they had money, they were still not happy. By contrast, some couples I knew were not wealthy, but they were considerate of and took care of each other, and so lived blissful, secure and content lives. So, everyone has their own fate and no one can change it. My worries and misgivings were in vain. The wisest choice was to obey God’s sovereignty. Thank God for His guidance! After understanding this, I no longer brooded on whether my in-laws would buy a house. Instead, I entrusted everything to God and submitted to God’s arrangements. At that moment, I felt particularly peaceful and at ease.
Later, my daughter got married. Her parents-in-law didn’t buy a house, and so she lived with them. The whole family all treated my daughter very well. My son-in-law, in order to keep the promise he made to me, worked very hard and took good care of his family. From my daughter’s expression, I could see that she was very happy and joyful. Through my experience, I realized this: We parents cannot control our children’s marriages. Whether they are happy is not decided by money. Only by obeying God’s sovereignty and arrangements can we break free from worries and pain and live under the blessing, care, and protection of God.
In fact, there should never be supplementary conditions to marriage itself. What God controls and arranges is for the best. When I truly put my daughter’s marriage into God’s hands and obeyed God’s control and arrangements, I saw that my whole family was happy every day. I knew this was all God’s blessing. I experienced that only God’s words are our direction for walking life’s paths, and that only by acting according to God’s words will we live happily and be without worries or anxiety. God is the truth, the way, and the life. Only God can save us and lead us to walk the right way in life. Thank God!