Sister Xiaoxiao,
Recently, a problem has been bothering me. I have a five-year-old daughter, who becomes less and less obedient. Every time I call her to have meals or go to nursery school, she will dilly-dally until I shout at her. As is often the case in everyday life, I have to keep urging her and even lose my temper before she will reluctantly do as I say. Gradually, I have found that my daughter is unwilling to be close to me and that the relationship between us has become worse and worse. I feel very upset about this. So I’d like to ask: What should I do to make my daughter obedient? How can I get along with her well?
Yours sincerely,
Kexun
Dear Sister Kexun,
I’m also a mother and once felt distressed about how to get along with my child. Later, I entrusted this difficulty to the Lord. Under His guidance, not only did I know the reason why I couldn’t get along with my child, but I also found the way to live in harmony with my child.
My son is also five years old and likes playing with toys very much. Every morning, upon getting up, he would play with his toys; when I called him to have meals, he always turned a deaf ear to me, and continued to play. Whenever seeing this, I would get angry. I would think: “You are so young but so disobedient. Who knows what you will be like when you grow up. As the saying goes, “Nothing can be accomplished without norms or standards.” I can’t allow you to do as you wish. I’m your mother, so you must obey me.” With these thoughts, in a commanding tone I would say “When I count to three, you must come over here to have your meal. One … two … three …” If he still didn’t listen to me, I would lose my temper and shout at him, “If you don’t have your meal now, I’ll burn your toys.” Fearing that I would truly do so, he could only put his toys down reluctantly and obey my order. Seeing this method worked, I often treated him this way later. But gradually, I found that he became estranged from me and sometimes even hid from me. I felt rather distressed about this, thinking: Must I treat him in a commanding manner? Is there no other way? At that time, helpless and distressed, I could only pray to God and entrust my difficulty to Him.
Later, I saw God’s words saying, “In a parent’s eyes, the parent is always a parent and the child is always a child; as such, the relationship between parent and child becomes very difficult to deal with. Actually, in a lot of things, parents refuse to budge from their status as parents. They always see themselves as the elders, and they think that at all times, children must listen to their parents, and that this fact will never change. This leads to constant resistance from their children. Such viewpoints leave both sides miserable, wretched, and exhausted. Is this not a manifestation of not understanding the truth?”
Only after reading God’s words did I understand this: The generation gap between us and our children results from our always standing on high and having our children obey our orders without considering their own thoughts. We think that since we bring them up, they must listen to us at every turn; if they don’t, we think it’s natural for us to get angry with them and scold them. I thought of how I treated my son: I often assumed my place as a mother and spoke in a lecturing tone to force my son to listen to me; if he didn’t, I would keep having tantrums until he obeyed me. Outwardly, he was obedient; but actually, he became more and more estranged from me and was even unwilling to speak to me. I thought: If this problem isn’t solved, I will only tire myself and give my son a hard time. So I prayed to God for the way to practice, “O God! I don’t want to treat my son based on my corrupt disposition. But I don’t know what to do. Please help me.”
Then I read God’s words that say, “In such cases, then, how is the truth to be practiced? (By letting go of yourself.) What does letting go mean? With what sort of viewpoint and attitude should you treat this matter in order to genuinely let go? How do you implement this letting go? It is actually pretty simple. You must be an ordinary person, and not constrained by status. Treat your children and other members of your family the same as you would ordinary brothers or sisters. Although you have a responsibility toward them, and a relationship of the flesh with them, nevertheless, the position and perspective you should have is the same as you should have with friends or ordinary brothers and sisters. You absolutely must not stand in the position of a parent, and must not hold your children back, fetter them, or try to control everything about them. You should treat them as equals. You should allow them to make mistakes, to say the wrong things, to do childish and immature things, and to do stupid things. No matter what happens, you should sit down and calmly talk with them, and seek the truth. In this way, you will be talking to them with the right attitude, and the problem will be resolved. What are you letting go of here? You are letting go of the position and status of a parent, the airs of a parent, and all of the responsibility you think you should assume as a parent; instead, it is enough that you do the best you can in terms of responsibility as an ordinary brother or sister.”
From God’s words, I found the way to get along with my child in harmony. That is, I shouldn’t assume my place as a mother to order him, but instead should let go of the parental position and pride, learn to communicate with him, listen to his heart’s voice, consider his feelings, and respect his choices. Besides, no one is perfect and we can all make mistakes, and I am not an exception. So how could I ask too much of him and not even allow him to make mistakes? At the thought of this, I realized that I had been treating my son based on my arrogant disposition, bringing much pressure and harm to him. I suddenly felt sorry for him, and then I made a resolution inwardly: I mustn’t treat him as before. From now on, I must treat him according to God’s words.
Once, it was nearly time for school but my son was still playing with his toys. So I urged him, “Hurry up! You’re gonna be late.” “Almost done,” he said. Hearing his words, I thought to myself: You’re gonna be late for school. How come you don’t feel anxious? Right when I was about to lose my temper with him, I suddenly thought of God’s words that I read before and realized that I should put aside my status of a mother and communicate with him calmly. But just when I was going to practice like this, I encountered a difficulty: Having been used to speaking to him from the status of a mother, I found it difficult to let go of my airs and my face to communicate with him and open my heart to him. I thought: What if he doesn’t take my words seriously in the future if I change my attitude? But if I still treat him as before, the relationship between us will never improve. Then I prayed to God asking Him to give me more faith. After praying, I felt much calmer and had a will to practice the truth. Then I walked over to my son and said to him calmly, “Son, I can understand that you are obsessed with what you love and thus lose track of time. But look at the time; if we don’t go to school now, we’re gonna be late. Let’s play with them after school, okay?” Right when I finished my words, my son smiled and happily said, “Okay, let’s go! Mommy, I like it when you speak with me this way. I love Mommy now.”
Later, I persisted in acting according to God’s words. Whenever my son said wrong things or made mistakes, I no longer scolded him from the position of a mother as before, but communicated with him calmly. Gradually, as we had more and more heart-to-heart talks, I found that my son became more and more obedient and that the estrangement between us subsequently disappeared. Moreover, my son often told me what had happened at school, and we were just like good friends. I felt very relaxed and happy when I got along with him this way. From this, I truly experienced that God’s words are the principles of conducting ourselves in our life, and that only through acting in accordance with God’s words can we have peace and joy.
Sister Kexun, I’ve finished sharing my experience. I sincerely hope that it will bring you some help and that a friendship bridge will soon be built between you and your child. I believe as long as we act according to God’s words, He will lead us to build a more harmonious relationship with our children.
Yours truly,
Xiaoxiao